by Mike Marino, PhD

1.  Poor Communication.  Generally, men and women tend to communicate differently.  Women are inclined to use more words; they have language centers on both sides of their brains, men on just one side.  Men tend to “glaze over” when they are bombarded with too many words.  Conversely, women often read men’s short, pointed verbal skills as a lack of interest or appropriate concern for the relationship and family issues. 

Couples in trouble often complain that their mate doesn’t listen to or understand what they are saying.  Everyone wants to feel heard and understood, especially by their spouse.  Many times conversations will escalate in volume and emotion as each side ramps up the energy in a vain attempt to make their case.  Unfortunately, as disagreements remain unresolved couples often drift into emotional (and sometimes physical) isolation, which is just a short step from marriage dissolution. 

When working with struggling marriages I encourage each side of the couple to begin to run their verbal interactions through the filter of these three words – kind, concise and clear. 

• Kind – is what I’m about to share going to heal or injure?  How can I say it in the way I’d like to hear it from someone else?  Do I love my spouse more than I am angry at them?  How can this statement reflect that?

• Concise – what is the main message I’m trying to communicate?  What unessential details can be left out for now?  Am I embellishing my message for dramatic effect?

• Clear – am I saying this in a way that would be difficult to misunderstand?  Am I coloring it with emotion that would cloud understanding?  Have I thought this through – is it what I really want to say?

2.  Being “Unequally Yoked.”  When scripture admonishes us to avoid being “unequally yoked” in marriage it refers to the sometimes difficult situations that arise when people of differing faiths or belief systems marry.  Certainly, what we believe about matters of faith affects the way we live and influences our relationships with others, especially our spouses. 

Many of life’s tough decisions are shaped by our faith perspective.  For example – how do we raise and discipline children?  How do we deal with morally-heated issues like euthanasia, drug use, the redefining of marriage or the sanctity of life?  These are tough issues to tackle in the context of a shared faith, let alone a household where the couple’s core beliefs are different.

There is, however, another element of being “unequally yoked” that tends to rip marriages apart.  When there’s a sense that one side of the marriage is “superior to” or “less than” the other, trouble is soon to follow.  While the specific roles within the marriage may differ, the value and worth placed on both husband and wife should be, within the context of a healthy marriage, equal.  Couples can be as different as night and day while still respecting and honoring each other’s value, contribution and worth as a person.  If you feel like you’re “the only one interested in working on the marriage relationship” that’s a good clue that the relationship is out of balance.  Time to get help.

3.  Being Too Needy.  When one side of the marriage is too dependent on the other, bad things happen.  When people say things like “he completes me” or “I couldn’t live without her” I get very nervous.  Contrary to popular mythology, two halves do not make a whole in marriage, two wholes make a whole.

One whole life joined with another has the best chance for success in the long term.  If you need your spouse too much they will “own” you.  Your life is subject to their thoughts and actions.  That’s how little kids live.  Your parents decide it’s time for you to go to school or clean your room.  They keep you safe by telling you not to play in the street and monitoring your whereabouts.  That’s a healthy parent/child relationship, but it’s a disaster in marriage – for both sides.

The needy side develops resentment for feeling too controlled and the controlling side detests being cast in the “parent” role.  In some marriages both sides need each other too much.  This desperate and child-like stance does not bode well for marital happiness.  When couples see me for marriage counseling I often shock them into reality by telling them “the best hope for your marriage to make it is for you to be OK if it doesn’t.”  What I’m really saying is that successful marriages involve two adults, celebrating and loving each other for who they are.  If you need each other too much your marriage will be miserable and fail.

4.  Financial Pressure.  If world history is any barometer, the economy will continue to improve and decline.  The one consistency is that it is inconsistent.  In truth, most of us aren’t very good at handling finances.  Financial problems are often “the straw that breaks the camel’s back” in troubled marriages.  

I don’t subscribe to the various theories that favor one side of the marriage over the other when handling the finances.  Putting all the pressure on the husband or wife seems to be a set-up for failure.  While, after mutual consideration a couple may determine who is best suited by virtue of skill or training to handle the core financial duties, I think it is unwise for either side to step away completely.  When one side handles all the financial matters they can begin to feel burdened by what seems like unfair pressure.  It can also breed mistrust and finger-pointing arguments when funds are low.

It is not a sin to ask for help when learning to manage finances.  Many community organizations and churches have free or low-cost help available concerning budget planning, insurance options and investment planning.  When couples jointly participate in managing their resources they become more invested in the marriage and each other.

5.  Blaming.  Most married couples come to my office to tell me what’s wrong with their spouse.  Many times they’re accurate.  They married a broken man or woman who brings great pain to the relationship.  Of course they don’t usually like it when I ask why they married such a character in the first place.  They say “I didn’t see he/she was like that before we married.”  I ask why not?  They really hate that.

My point is that it’s easy to focus on what you don’t like about your spouse.  I’m certain you’ve told them many times – they are clear about your dissatisfaction.  Has just wanting them to be different or to treat you differently really changed anything?  A subtle shift in your thinking and actions may have a better result in changing your marriage.  Instead of spending energy and time trying to change someone else, take a look inside of yourself and see what parts of the marriage difficulty you can own.

Your role in the marriage struggle is something you can work on.  As you begin to own your part and set clear adult boundaries for what is your responsibility and what is not, the dynamic of your marriage relationship will change.  Blaming, even when it’s accurate, has a short “shelf-life.”  It gets old fast and reinforces your feelings of hopelessness.  Take some action and own your part – it’s the most productive thing you can do. 

 Copyrighted Material - Mike Marino, PhD